Formal Table Settings: A Dark History

A litany of horrors.

For the uninitiated, a formal table setting can be a daunting sight — a dizzying forest of cutlery and stemware the function and proper use of which is uncertain. This can spark the kind of anxieties we all feel: about being judged, about lacking the refinement and savoir faire required to navigate it all. Below is a simple overview to guide you, so that the next time you receive an invitation to any formal dining occasion, you’ll be able to slide your chair to the table with confidence. Bon apetit!

1. Lamentation of the Banshee. The Butter Banshee, dairy cousin to the Celtic beast of myth, was known to be susceptible only to short-bladed knives with no point and no sharp edge. Knowing the monsters to be attracted by candlelight and lute music, Irish nobles of yore tried to ensure the safety of guests by providing each with the only weapon known to be effective against it. So armed, a host might reasonably expect upwards of half his guests to survive the evening.
2. False Fork. As a means of culling peasants from the formal feasting table, aristocrats would place these as traps. Any attendee not of noble birth who snuck into the banquet hall attempting to cadge a lavish meal would at some point in the evening make use of the cunning False Fork. This blackguard would then be seized by guards and beheaded as the evening’s entertainment.