Dirtbag Tax Tips

Around this time of year, you’re likely to encounter TONS of articles and blog posts and social media ads and memes revealing ways to save on your taxes. You’ll find that these are almost all geared toward people who have actual money and own actual assets. But it you’re like “Yeah, cool, so mortgage interest is deductible but, like, what if I’m technically a squatter?” then pull up a chair, friend. For too long, financial advisers have ignored the needs of the Pot-to-Piss-In-less. No more. Below is everything you need to know to come out on top* this tax season.

*Please be advised that in YOUR bracket, “on top” must be taken to mean “still suffering losses, obviously, but maybe not as catastrophic as those in previous years, maybe?”

Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

1. Claim dependents. Hey man. It works for that show-off cousin of yours, with his kids, or whatever. Trick for Uncle Sam is to get the headcount in your house up, and don’t let’s get bogged down in specifics, you feel me? So like maybe your “babies” do not, like, share much in the way of species affiliation. I claim deductions for four dependents — Nitro, Fancy, Todd, and Grownup — what I don’t get all detail-y about is how three of them live in an aquarium, and the other stands like three inches high and has a long skinny body covered in fur. He is so fast, though.
2. Be of service. One of the ways rich people like your stooooooooooopid…