For the uninitiated, a formal table setting can be a daunting sight — a dizzying forest of cutlery and stemware the function and proper use of which is uncertain. This can spark the kind of anxieties we all feel: about being judged, about lacking the refinement and savoir faire required…

Social Media Has Introduced This Whole Raft of Idiotic Shit to Wring Our Stupid Hands Over — A lot of us are old enough to remember a time before the internet — a golden age when the exasperating bullshit was localized and personal. In order to bug the shit out of people, you mostly had to be right there, handing your irritating time-suck directly them, in what…

This Manufacturer of Hand Soaps and Cleaning Products Needs to Reign it in a Little — # 11 — Scent: Honeysuckle What they intend: a gold-lit meadow, a sprawling bush heavy with blossoms, bobbing in a lazy breeze along a split-rail fence. What they achieve: singed nose hair by floral blowtorch. # 10 — Scent: Lemon Verbena What they intend: the citrusy-yet-faintly-medicinal waft of this plant native to South America that lends a bright note to everything…

Work These Gems Into Conversation, You’ll Blow Their Tits Off, Man. Guaranteed. — The “H.P.” in “H.P. Lovecraft” stands for “Hot Potato.” The most decisive battles in the War of 1812 didn’t take place until the fall. Of 1926. That white stuff that collects in the corner of your mouth sometimes? …

We know their names. Gloop. Salt. Beauregard. Teevee. Bucket. And, we believe, we know their stories: the Golden Tickets, the visit to Wonka’s factory, the perilous-seeming-but-ultimately-harmless cautionary fates that befell each of them while there. …

After 30 Years, We Headed East — My wife and I moved to Chicago in 1992, and lived there for almost 30 years. Raised a family and everything. Then, after a brief stint in Kansas City, we packed up and moved East to Baltimore. …

Twenty foot box truck My Dauntless Intrepid Girl Horrors await us Delays stacking high Don’t leave till well after dark Suck it, Kansas City Landlord: disarray Of this rental. Price paid for Pattern of neglect. Welp. Never make it To AirBnB. Kiss that Money sayonara Old friend, St. Louis Lifesaver…

I’m like anyone, really. Weak. Distractible. Pretty dumb. Self loathing. So as a result, I rewatched Rocky IV. If you’re considering doing so, I cannot say I would advise it. January 6, 2023, 10:16PM: I viewed Rocky IV. Like, in its entirety, I’m saying. To be clear: this was not…

For New Year’s, a Reminder: “Futurist” is a Bullshit Job for Know-Nothings Making Shit Up — Like “financial advisors” and “meteorologists,” anybody claiming to know what’s going to happen is, whether they realize it or not, a big fat liar. I have the distinction, at least, of knowing what a giant-ass liar I am. …